No Air

But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough….
                         

                    I just knew too much…..

      Things with Victor Have gotten better and worse… worse and better… its hard to say where it will all end… he tells me the true now. what he was so close to doing. that he was so close to cheating on me. that he’s afraid of hurting me. part of me understands all that. when your so afraid of hurting someone but thats all that you seem to be able to do… its scary… and i cants remember what i did to make it stop… or if it even has.

        He says he’s sorry. and he didnt actually complete the act of cheating. he told brian that he didnt want to. he even is trying not to talk to him. Brian is persistant. Brian and people like him and william dont understand there place in this world. they thrive on everything they possible can. the parasites that they are. william even used me and i almost thought about giving him a chance at one point. William knew how i felt about the extasy and brian knew that victor was with someone. Lust drive us mad.

       Victor says that he doesnt find brian to be attractive. he says that i have done everything right. is it truly possible that maybe victor is just imature?

      Brittny says that we can get through this…. we just have to put everything out on the table and be honest and put our alls into it or it wont work. brittny has so much love. she suffuers for it too…. she loves every past person she has dated and been with… its amazeing… and though i cant see myself hateing victor… i cant see myself not makeing love with him and kissing him and telling him i love him… i just really hope this is the end of all this dishonesty.. for both of us….. that we can just tell eachother what we need to tell…

               its a reaccuring theme that victor doesnt want to hurt me…. he just doesnt understand that the only way he has truly hurt be (except for this almost cheating business) has been the was he seperates us when  he gets scared…

 

I wish i knew what to do…. part of me wants to kill him….

part of me wants to just go back to how things were…

            Part of me just cant stop loveing him…..

we are gonna talk today… maybe things will come out then…. they way they are meant to…

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