I just knew too much…..

      Things with Victor Have gotten better and worse… worse and better… its hard to say where it will all end… he tells me the true now. what he was so close to doing. that he was so close to cheating on me. that he’s afraid of hurting me. part of me understands all that. when your so afraid of hurting someone but thats all that you seem to be able to do… its scary… and i cants remember what i did to make it stop… or if it even has.

        He says he’s sorry. and he didnt actually complete the act of cheating. he told brian that he didnt want to. he even is trying not to talk to him. Brian is persistant. Brian and people like him and william dont understand there place in this world. they thrive on everything they possible can. the parasites that they are. william even used me and i almost thought about giving him a chance at one point. William knew how i felt about the extasy and brian knew that victor was with someone. Lust drive us mad.

       Victor says that he doesnt find brian to be attractive. he says that i have done everything right. is it truly possible that maybe victor is just imature?

      Brittny says that we can get through this…. we just have to put everything out on the table and be honest and put our alls into it or it wont work. brittny has so much love. she suffuers for it too…. she loves every past person she has dated and been with… its amazeing… and though i cant see myself hateing victor… i cant see myself not makeing love with him and kissing him and telling him i love him… i just really hope this is the end of all this dishonesty.. for both of us….. that we can just tell eachother what we need to tell…

               its a reaccuring theme that victor doesnt want to hurt me…. he just doesnt understand that the only way he has truly hurt be (except for this almost cheating business) has been the was he seperates us when  he gets scared…

I wish i knew what to do…. part of me wants to kill him….

part of me wants to just go back to how things were…

            Part of me just cant stop loveing him…..

we are gonna talk today… maybe things will come out then…. they way they are meant to…

                      I wonder why im still here….

                    I dont if its just me… but do you ever have to feeling that a good bye just isnt right sometimes… like it just isnt done the right way or you or  your friend/ family member/lover just isnt into it. i think goodbyes are super important. Its like the preveiw for how things will be when you say hello later… if that makes any sense…

               I say this because every once in a while ill say goodbye to my boyfriend and it just wont feel the way it should. i mean yea, good byes are rushed sometimes and stuff but i dont know… you just have to get in to the “goodbye” mode…

    I like th conversation to always go a certain way… i know its being picky and stuff but i like it when he tells me about his day (even though i never shut up) even if it just the stupidest thing or i have no ida what he’s talking about…. and lately ive loved hearing about it cause it puts me at ease in a way…because of the way thing have gone rescently…i just like to know whats going on i guess…

          Naturally i really bothered by the fact that he’s gonna be starting school soon… i just want him to be around and i really love seeing him… even if we dont do anything or if we’re both kinda off in our own world… i like the comfort of him there but still being able to do things seperately… maybe thats too “marital”. im not sure…

              well just so everyone know….

                                        Goodbyes are always important….

                                                                     sometimes it can make your day…

                     Knowing that everything is just fine between you and them….

                 I’ve said things in previous Blogs…

                                 But im Learning….

                           Im Growing…

        Previously in one of my blogs i mentioned how me and my Current boyfriend Victor Thizzed…I know i said it was awesome and how we were all over eachother… and honestly i dont think we would be as close as we are today without it… but that doesnt make it right in anyway. Ive learned that it isnt good for you. not only from people telling me but from experience. i know how it can hurt the people around you and how it can hurt you, yourself.

          The drug isnt chemically addicting but it is emotionally; and it is something thats hard not to want… i mean who wouldnt want to feel completely carefree… but when things start to happen and you begin to realize that your not responding the way you should… its scary…

            When your stopped by the police and you and your boyfriend are high and you somehow arent tested or anything… and somehow you just arent afraid as you should be… its so scary…

    I havent been on for so long so noone really knows that i had asked my boyfriend if we could both stop thizzing… and the momment i asked he said yes… but things happen… both of you are cool with doing it one last time and then your almost caught… that was this case…

         almost 2 months later something else happens… my boyfriend decides to do it again… this time without me… on the same day that i had asked him “dont do drugs with out me ok ? ” silly i know… it was just a joke but it was still serious too… and then on the same day that i say ” i have complete trust in you  i  just dont trust William”… it was upsetting that he came to my house that night high… waiting to tell me after he told me all the “crazy stories ” of the night…

                 well what was i suposed to do? i was upset and i didnt know how to handle it Plus i always have a nack of not addressing the issue fully in one sitting which isnt healthy in any relationship… but after some time i explained things… not in the best ways… and i hurt his feelings but it got through to him i think =/

      i told him how it scared me, how it hurt him and how it took him away from me i a sense… how i didnt like that if something happened… he wouldnt be able to respond in the way he normally would…

           I also asked for help and though i know i havent given the complete story.. i kinda have to go now. so heres the link to the person i asked for help… maybe she can clue you in a little she didnt get the whole story right but i think her advice is perfect…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnAnMeRUqDc

      By the way… me and my victor are doing pretty good now as i had said in my previous blog and just like she said… i really do plan to just stay by his side and show him my love… cause whether he understands it or not… he’s the most important thing to me ^_^ I love Victor so much…

                        Trying to maintain but I’m strugglein’…

      However the struggle is one i almost enjoy to endure.

          I recently stared work, My boyfriend VICTOR and I have been together for 6 months, and I’m out of high school… though i have alot of regrets about the past 6 months; I wouldn’t change a thing. Getting a job wasn’t easy >_< mainly because i was so lazy and i just wasn’t putting myself out there… and really that is the most important thing. if you want something you have to put yourself out there. no one is going to know you want to be a painter if you never pick up a paint brush or show anyone your work… you got to put yourself in that somewhat humiliating position where you are almost completely ignorant to a situation sometimes.

        That would definitely be my case >_< ignorant… I had no idea about what it was like to have a job or even what it was like to search for one… and then once i got the job i felt even more ignorant. Ive had to do alot of hard work and learning. even some soul searching…

         So the soul searching was a little different…

                         What do i believe in?

                                      Why is it all contradicting itself?

                 Is there a good and evil?

                                        Am I In CONTROL?

        I didnt answer all of them but i did discover that maybe there isnt supose to be an answer and if for a short time your mind and heart tell you something other then what you’ve been taught you should follow that… as long as its reasonable….

          Me and Victor ^_^ Right now we are pretty good! I worry alot… and im scared of things happenng cause of past conflicts and such but I know we love eachother and its goona be just fine… ill explain in more detail later   i a new post…

well for now im just chillin and figureing life as an adult out

                       I hope whoever reads this is having an awesome day ^_^

                                                 <3 The Laughing Man, Kusanagi

           I wanna be his emotion….

                        …as he turns off the light…

and i imagine how this could be…

    So life With VICTOR has been pretty Sweet! the more time i spend with him the harder it is to say goodbye… and the worse i feel about some of my destructive habits. i guess thats kinda a good thing ^__^ last friday was awesome. it was the first time we hadnt thizzed… it was different right from the start. i still get cravings for it.  mainly because it was just one of those beautiful ways to escape… which was something i was looking for for a long time… then theres th escape that i feel when im with victor… yet another version of what i was looking for… its so crazy…

           Well yes… friday night was nice ^__^ Jalana came with us and was the Victim who got to watch Victor make a fool of himself as he molested me in all the stores O_o it was rather entertainign for all of us. then we met up with Todd, ate and hung out at Victors House. Then once jalana was home Victor came to my house and we played super smash bros. which was awesome cuase i have beeen wanting to play sooooooooo long!!! i just havent had the time. but yes! he played with me and that meant alot… even though i havent told him that yet

Lifes good ^__^

and i ditched today…. dont tell!

          I was supposed to hang out with VICTOR….

  but three seconds before the doorbell rings my mother changes her mind…

                            I say that pretty fucked up….

           He wasted gas money and shit just to see me…. and all we did was kiss as i told him that i couldnt hang out with him. that just fucked up. I feel like shit. like a big ass hole. I’d like to blame it all on my mom but maybe i should have been more assertive or made the plans clearer…. I dont know… I’m just kinda pissed…. no im really pissed…. maybe if they knew he was my boyfriend then they would have reacted differently… God! i wish i could be with him right now!…..

        The song Nineteen it whats keeping me from yelling my mom awake… that was just really rude and i hope he doesnt think i was being an ass and avoiding him….

Ugh….. maybe im overreacting….

Ill talk to him…. which just the thought puts a smile on  my face ^__^

I still taste his kisses….

            His Name is Victor….

     I’ve fallen pretty hard for him. I met him on a sunday ^__^ and at the time he was Thizzing… i know what your thinking… but i dont care… i tried it to… it was quit the introduction…we were all over eachother. we still are… of course not in public but we cat help bt just want to be near eachother… we are both constantly on eachothers mind ^__^

Here’s a pic!

Cute yes?

YES!

hahahahaha i get to see him tomorrow night so im all excited about that

so much has happend!

i dont know if anyone reads this but if you do! there will be some fun stuff up soo ^___^

     First- lets mention what i can remeber-I had a Weird Dream O_o. lots of boys… really awkward actually cause there was this guy… his name was ‘ka’ and he looked just like Pera-Kun… except this one wasnt him at all… and im hopeing im right in that statement… he really didnt like me-KA I mean- i asked him if i could hold his hand (which is very unlike me but im hardly ever myself in dreams) and he said ” *sigh* ok…” and  i had to take his hand… it really sucks and i hope its not some kind of foresight:( cause that would break my heart…

                           Im still wondering if People Read this O_o I talk about alot of personal stuff

       Had a dance. formal to be exact. i went with a girl =/ which sucks cause im sick of doing stuff with girls… but i do have to say that i couldnt have gone with a better girl. i went with a girl named Helen. She’s Arminian and a really awesome dancer. I had a lot of fun with her and she look kickass. she is one of those movie girl O_o like when you see her at school she is the PERFECT STUDENT and you get her on the dance floor and she is a VIXEN. it was cool to finally meet some one like that- kinda like how i used to be. stuck between the worlds of school and living life. now im stuck in living life cause its so addicting ^__^

lets see…

                         what else is going on

cant seem to think of anything too happy… got another guy likeing me.. unfortunatly its following the same pattern as the others… no one can ever just like me.. no… i must be a fucking incomplete package… cause its always “i love you… and this other guy…”  Im in a triangle in one side and a pentagon on the other =/ and im sosick of it… im not commiting my self to the new guy cause i know that i want Pera-Kun more… im not even thinking of the other guy in anyother way then a friend.. how sad that im not letting myself really experiment… cause ive already got to much data to handle…

well im out…

Gay.

Asia.

Mexican.

Intellectual.

A Person of Integrity.

A person of Respect.

If you are any of these simple things you are a minority. The more i sit here the more i realize how horrible the world is and how we havent really gone anywhere in a long time….

we havent eliminated racism. it still plays a great part in the world. if not one of the biggest. we have the black panthers who only excist because of the KKK.